When the moon is right, Jim Gaffigan sends out his own unique email reminders about his upcoming appearances.  Join the fun! |
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Internet Guru 1 August 19, 2003 If you receive an email titled, "FW: FW: FW: Very Urgent!!! Please read!!!! Virus Warning!!!" DO NOT OPEN IT. I repeat DO NOT OPEN THE EMAIL. It’s a virus. This "Virus Warning" virus will not only wipe out everything on your hard drive, but also, a small portion of your short-term memory. We’re talking about a powerful virus here, folks. I was told about the "Virus Warning" virus by a very good friend, who knows a guy, who is best friends with that tall guy who works at the hot dog cart next to the Pentagon. He told me the tall guy overheard in the parking lot some Arab looking guy, or he may have been Dutch, talking about a virus warning. My friend, who is very dorky and looks like he knows a lot about computers and the comedy of Jim Gaffigan, said this foreigner was talking about the "Virus Warning" virus. Anyway, this is one of the most malicious viruses ever. We’re talking worse than "Melissa" or the "Manatee" virus. There is NO remedy for this one. We’re talking not even doing that thing where you turn your computer off, then on! Apparently this malicious virus was announced and confirmed in a press conference last week by IBM, AOL and BVD. I am sending this warning because apparently, no one attended this press conference. It will also be announced on Conan September 2 by some really good-looking comedian, Jim Gaffigan. I’m only forwarding this to people in my address book that I don’t
want their computers destroyed. I strongly suggest you do the same.
Don’t think about it. Just forward it. I repeat, JUST FORWARD IT!!!!!
You could be a hero. I repeat; YOU COULD BE A HERO!!
Thank you for your time. Re: Alert from JimGaffigan.com Uh, sorry. I .. . well ... Apparently the "virus warning" virus was a hoax. I repeat; IT WAS HOAX!!!! I’m so sorry that the email was forwarded to you. Apparently, it was just a stunt by some really good-looking guy named Jim Gaffigan who wanted to notify people on his mailing list that he’ll be on Conan September 2nd. I’m sorry! I repeat; I’M SORRY! However, you can’t begin to imagine how frustrating this ordeal was for me. As you know, many in my family don’t have email (or electricity, for that matter) so I wrote, by hand, personal alerts to all 59 of them. I’m angry! I repeat I’M ANGRY!!!!!!!! Thank you for your time. Shoe Thief June 16, 2003 OK here’s the deal. Someone, I’m not saying it’s you, but someone stole a bunch of my shoes! And if that isn’t bad enough, this person, again not saying it’s you, stole only my left shoes. (You’re not a lefty are you?) Anyway, as a result, I’m faced with the following predicament: Do I buy a bunch of left shoes? Or do I hope the person, probably not you, returns them. I realize that I’ve noticed you staring at my shoes before and I remember you mentioning something about us having the same shoe size, but seriously I don’t think you stole them. When I called you mother about the topic, she acted like she didn’t understand me. She kept saying, "Who is this? What shoes?" As you can imagine I found her behavior very flirtatious. So I asked for email address and then she hung up on me. (Whatever!) As a result of this dastardly deed, I am forced to perform on Late Night with Conan O’Brian Tuesday June 17th (NBC 12:30 Eastern) with one nice shoe and one flip-flop. (Don’t worry they are both red.) P.S. If my left shoes end up back in my apartment tomorrow by 3:15. I won’t press charges. I just want my shoes back! P.S.S. If anyone would like to buy a bunch of right-footed shoes, let me know. Family Ties May 21, 2003 Dear Future In-Law, I am so thrilled to be joining the family!!! In honor of our new special bond, I will be performing on "The Late
Show with David Letterman" Friday May 23rd. P.S. Now that we are family, can I borrow 80 grand? Love Letter January 30, 2003 I love you! You might think, "That’s nice Jim, but why are you writing me?" Me? I’m writing just to say Hi. And to say I love you and yours. Yes yours. I don’t just love you -- I love yours. That’s all, just an "I love you email." This email doesn’t have anything to do with that silly Comedy Central Showdown. I wouldn’t know if I was number 11 or whatever on that list. I suppose if I were number 11 I wouldn’t care cause being No. 11 that’s just like being No. 1 twice. Sure I know some comedians have been emailing friends asking for their
vote. That’s sad don’t ya think? They probably say something in the
email like"Oh it only takes 14.6 seconds" or "You can vote for me once
a day." I’m sure some comics would shamelessly go so far as to
provide a link like: Doesn’t that look silly? But I betcha there’s a comic out there with
the link in an email twice just in case someone missed it. But I guess you could say that’s just not me. I’m not an insecure person. That’s probably why I go on stage in front of strangers and try to get their approval. And that is why unlike other comics I would never write a friend and pressure them to vote for me. I think I’ve made that clear. Valentine Jim Februrary 12, 2003 Hello Cali-forn-I-a friends, I’ll be headlining at the Hollywood Improv on Melrose this Friday and Saturday (Feb 14, 15). Everyone that comes receives the honor of being my Valentine or as I say Mi Valentina.* If you happen to be in Northern California or as I call it NoCal, I’ve been told I’m getting a booking shortly. *This email in no way gaurantees to provide Jim Gaffigan as your Valentine or as Jim Gaffigan says El Valentina. Crystal Balls March 14, 2003 Dear You, Here are my upcoming predictions for Sunday March 16th: Ed and . . . March 3, 2003 Dear Bill*, Bill, just wanted to let you know that I’m making a return appearance on NBC’s "Ed" this Wednesday March 5th at 8pm ET. Additionally, Bill, I'm featured in the documentary series, "Heroes of
Comedy: Women on Top" (Family Values episode) Thursday March 6th at
5pm ET on Comedy Central. * If your name is not Bill, please insert your name or change your name to Bill, Bill. Special Friend February 20, 2003 Dear Most Special Friend, Just a heads up that I will be on Conan tonight Friday February 21st. I want you to know that I’m dedicating this Conan set to you. Yes
you! No one else -- just you! Why? Cause well, you’re special and
I’m a great guy. |
Bank With Jim January 7, 2004 Dear Sir/Lady/Bi-Ped, I am JIM GAFFIGAN the first son of CHIEF PALE FACE who was the former Finance Minister of the Ministry of Ministers of Finance in the war torn boring state of Indiana. I’ve never been to Nigeria, know nothing about some Korean Air flight and I don’t want your bank account number. (Unless you want to give it to me.) My father’s dad’s cousin’s optometrist had a bullet thrown at him at a bowling alley. It missed him, but while this optometrist was on sick bed dying from gingivitis he had one request: That I get you to vote for me in the Comedy Central stand up showdown. Per the optometrist’s request, please follow the link below and vote for Jim Gaffigan once a day, in your quiet time, in his memory, you get the idea, I’ll stop the sentence, right after this next comma, okay now I’m done. www.comedycentral.com/standup/showdown/index.jhtmlMoreover, I am willing to offer you 15% of the sum of my compensation for your effort of voting every day. Unfortunately, this amount will be nothing, as I’m getting nothing if my special is put on the Comedy Central DVD. I’m just an obsessive-compulsive actor-comedian with too much time on
his hands. And yes a big ego. Holiday Jim November 23, 2003 Like you, I’m excited that we are entering the holiday season. Granted, my favorite holiday will remain Halloween. And not just because of the candy or that women use Halloween as an excuse to dress up like prostitutes. I love Halloween because I know All Saints Day (November 1st) is right around the corner. Ok. Fine. It’s the day after Halloween, but All Saints Day rocks. I realize many of you are getting ready for Thanksgiving (aka Dia de Gracias) and have questions: What should I get Jim for Christmas / Chanaukah / Kwanza? What size thong does Jim wear? Why are there two Dakotas? Anyway, back to me. What do I want? What do I want besides more films
with strong female leads and a Mama’s Family Reunion Special? All I
want is a computer. Oh wait. I have one. In fact, I’m typing on it
right now. I guess I don’t need anything. P.S. My new CDs (More Moo-Moos and The Last Supper) are now available. The new CDs are favorites plus new stuff. Internet Guru #2 October 27, 2003
Dear Mr. Mailer Daemon, The purpose of this email is not to tell you that I only get a small portion of the proceeds from my on-line store or that all profits from Manatee merchandise will be forwarded to the Save the Manatee Foundation. I’m not even emailing to tell you that the merchandise at my store would be a great Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanza or Ramadan gift. Mr. Daemon, I’m emailing about all these emails you send me. It seems every time I send out an email announcement for, like, let’s say, my new "Future Pope" baby bib available at my new store, you get your hands on some of the emails and send them back to me. Well, frankly Mr. Daemon, I don’t appreciate it! I don’t know if you get off on it or what. I don’t know if you think
I’m an idiot. I don’t care if you are related to Matt Damon. All I
know is you’re not even on my email list. What gives? Internet Guru #3 July 2, 2003 As many of you know, I’m not a big "wig-wearer." I do occasionally wear a wig to something formal like, say, the county fair or a movie opening, but I’m not really a wig guy. So anyway, I wanted to warn everyone about this Internet scam I encountered: So I’m checking email and I get this email with "Hey Buddy" in the subject from summerclearance@wigsonthenet.com and I think to myself, "Who do I know that works at wigsonthenet.com?" Later on I realized I didn’t know anyone. This email was something they call "junk-mail." (They should call it stupid mail!) Anyway, so I spend three hours trying to order a wig or two from wigsonthenet.com. Wouldn’t you know it, my screen kept freezing and they kept asking for different credit card info. I’m a little suspicious, but then again I’m on a 1991 Macintosh. After three hours and plugging in all 8 of my credit cards I give up. I figure I don’t need a wig that bad. Here’s the sad part. There is no wigsonthenet.com! At least I never got my new wig. (If anyone gets a Farrah Fawcett wig, that’s mine, buddy!) In a totally unrelated story, someone stole all my credit card info! My girlfriend keeps telling me, "It’s that wigsonthenet.com thing." I just smile and placate her. (Women, huh? No wig borrowing for her). Back to the wigs. The good news is I’ll be on "The View" this Monday
July 7th and I’m hoping I get a deal on some wigs from Star Jones. Geraldo and TP May 12, 2003 Thank you for joining my ban on toilet paper! As Geraldo Rivera so unpatriotically already pointed out, I will be
appearing again on "That 70’s Show" Wednesday April 2. Upcoming TV Appearances Geraldo probably already mentioned without my
permission: Films Now Available on Cable/DVD that Geraldo probably mentioned
without my permission: Upcoming Stand Up appearances that Geraldo would have mentioned if he
weren't kicked out of Iraq:
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