Jim Gaffigan
LaLumiere High School
Commencement Address
May 2002

    Headmaster Sullivan, thank you for inviting me back to LaLumiere. Members of the Board of Trustees, Faculty, Staff, Parents, Family members, students and most of all my soon-to-be fellow alumni of LaLumiere School, I’m honored to be here representing the class of 1984.
    When my brother Joe, a trustee here at LaLumiere, called me and asked if I would address the graduating class of 2002 I think like most LaLumiere graduates I took a pause. I looked back on my four enriching years as a LaLumiere student and asked "How much are they gonna pay me?"
    When Joe told me there was no money, I hung up on him. Later on, after some e-mailing and some blackmailing, here I am. In all seriousness, I’m flattered to be addressing the class of 2002.
    My brother Joe graduated from LaLumiere the year before me. My brother Mitch graduated two years before that. I realize that by me being asked to give a LaLumiere commencement address before them, some will think I’m a bigger success then they are and, well, they would be right. Of course, I’m kidding. The real reason I was asked to speak was because I’m better looking.
    I know many of the graduates are looking at me and thinking, "Who is this guy? And what's with the goatee?"
    Some of you might look at me and see an actor. Some a comedian. Some a really pale guy that should do more sit-ups. I recall at the first LaLumiere graduation ceremony I attended the commencement speaker was a former student who had become a prestigious congressman. At yours, an unemployed actor-comedian. Essentially I’m saying, please lower your expectations.
    When I thought of what kind of commencement address I could give, I realized I could look at a bunch of great speeches and retool them or I could do something truly original and honest. "Four score and seven years ago I was a student here at LaLumiere . . . "
    I don’t want this to be a typical commencement address. During the speech, I’m not going to act like I have an intimate knowledge of today’s graduates or try to gain their favor by saying their names. And that’s not because I can’t pronounce most of the names.  That’s just not me.
    I’m not gonna try to win over the graduates, sorry. I don’t think my good friends Kate, Anders, Caitlyn or Devon would appreciate that. And I have to tell you Zenobiyan, Mac, Jerry and Bob Chu agreed with me when we were having dinner last night. My treat. I mean Curtis, Amanda, Nate, Bella and John Higgins were hesitant but they came around. Sadly Arcana, Fumitaka, Jason and Caroline wanted me to list their names. But I’m not going to just say Lim-Joe, Sam, Bruno, Jeremy, Anna or Eric. No I’m not gonna say Tom, Britney, Begona, Brandon, Adam, Steve, Kabeh, Jeff, Reiko, or Taka. It’s not my style. Sorry you guys.
    So here we are at your graduation day. It’s amazing to think that 18 years ago I sat where you’re sitting. Well I didn’t sit there. Well, I sat in the same position. Actually I sat there, that’s my chair.
    Sitting at my graduation ceremony, I was uncomfortable in my graduation gown. Some of that might have been the thong I was wearing.
     I knew I would miss the LaLumiere students, faculty and staff, but part of me really wanted it all over with. I’m sure many of you graduates feel this way today and that’s why my speech will only be four hours long. A tight four filled with lots of confusing parables, complex metaphors and boring stories of my past.
    I’m more than aware there is and will continue to be a never-ending supply of advice given to you graduates. So, I want to give something tangible, something I think you will value.And that is why I will be giving each and every graduate an autograph. It may not be my autograph but I think it’s a convincing replica.
    As a junior and senior here at LaLumiere we were required to keep a journal for English class.   To capture my personal feelings of my graduation day, I would like to read from that journal:
    May 24, 1984. Today I graduate from LaLumiere. I don’t know what the future holds but I know LaLumiere has prepared me for anything I will face. My goals are as these:
1. To be invited back to be the commencement speaker with in 18 years or before my brothers Mitch and Joe. That'll show 'em. Bastards.
     Sadly, that’s all I have. My dog ate the rest. 		    At my graduation ceremony I received the Spanish award which many of you know, back in 1984, was the most prestigious award a graduate could receive. I know some of you are thinking, well, of course, he won the Spanish award, he’s obviously Mexican American. But I earned it. The other Spanish level 4 student and I shared that Spanish award with pride. Now I’m not saying the Spanish award catapulted me to moderate success in the entertainment business but I’ve done some research. Other people to win the Spanish award:
    Tom Hanks
    Mr. Richard Simmons
    Penelope Cruz -- well, she won some type of award and she is Spanish.   So that’s a Spanish award.
    But we are not here to celebrate my Spanish award.  I’m sure there is some party for that later on. Well, that’s what I was promised.
    Today we are here for your commencement ceremony.  We all know commencement is an ending and beginning. The ending of your time as a LaLumiere student. The beginning of the rest of your life.  
    So much of your life is ahead: College, a new level of freedom, begging your parents for money. It must be exciting for you. In just a couple years you’ll turn 21 and have your first taste of alcohol and then sometime after that your first kiss.
    I have to admit I’m a little jealous. You are starting a new journey in your life. You can completely re-invent yourself in college or wherever you go. If you were shy, now you can be outgoing. I know when I got to college I had a new name and a British accent.
    Because of LaLumiere your opportunities are limitless. You know there is saying, "In America if you put your mind to it you can do whatever you want and be whatever you want" and I like to think I am living proof that that is a lie. I wanted to be ballerina, Folks. But they said I was too "tubby." So I went into acting and comedy.
    In reality, I am living my dream. I’m doing what I love and outside of being a class clown, nothing made a career in entertainment a practical choice for me. I come from a small town here in Indiana. My family was absent of anyone in any way connected with show business.   My major in college was finance. It took me three years after I graduated from college to go for what I love: acting and doing stand-up.
    If this speech has a message, it is this.
    Find your dream and follow it. Your dream. Not what society, social class or family expects of you. Your dream. And I’m talking to all of you. Well, not you. Or you. Well, half of you. Maybe a third.
     The Lalu you are graduating from today is very similar and different from the Lalu I went to.
    When I graduated from LaLumiere, the new gym was actually a new gym.
    Mr. Smith wasn’t the Dean of Students; he was a geometry teacher. And Mr. Sullivan wasn’t the Headmaster; he was the groundskeeper. And a damn good one! It is amazing how quickly you learned English.
     There were 23 seniors the year I graduated. 19 guys and 4 girls.   I’ll never forget my prom date, Mr. Ballewander. We all know he's is former star running back but that "Booms" knows how to dance.
Debonair Jim
Yes, Jim looked just this debonair when he attended high school.
     My class was filled with a motley mess of smart, driven students. I wasn’t at the top of my class of 23. But I was in the top 20, well top 23. If you held the list upside down I was at the top.
     Honestly, I wasn’t the smartest of the class but I believe LaLumiere lit a fire of curiosity that I carry today. You can’t get lost at LaLumiere and believe me I tried.
    I learned to think and ask questions here at Lalu. Questions like:
  • If God’s hand is here at Lalu, how does He clap?
  • Why does Mr. Sullivan know so much Yiddish?
  • If a new student body rotates through every four years, how does LaLumiere remain so special?

    I know the answer to only this last question.  The reason LaLumiere remains so special is the teachers and the staff.   Truth be told, many of my great times as a LaLu student have faded in my memory but my memories of the teachers remains fresh. They are the part of LaLumiere I remember the most. A selflessness that, believe me, doesn’t exist in my line of business.
    In fact, former Lalu teacher names like Breslin, Mosca, and Langley have the same echo in my mind as Jefferson, Lincoln and Gandhi. Names like Smith, Sullivan and Ballewander echo in my mind like the name of a law firm that advertises on TV late at night. "Have you been injured in an accident? Call Smith Sullivan and Ballewander". Anyway, the teachers really had an impact.
    But don’t take my word for it. When I was asked to give this commencement speech, the first thing I did was e-mail fellow classmates for ideas and suggestions on what I should talk about. The teachers and staff were the universal theme found in every e-mail. Here are some of their quotes:
    "It was really the love the faculty had for the place and the students that made the difference." Writes Greg Laka.
    "The first people I think of when I think of Lalu are Sully and Kirby – they helped me appreciate learning for the sake of learning." Writes Dan Rosshirt.
    "I felt so prepared because of Mr. Breslin, Mr. Ballewander, Mr. Sullivan and many others." Writes Dave Byrne.
    "Because of the Lalu teachers, I is a good writer" Writes Joe Linnen
    Is that the guy who introduced me?
    Initially I was going to close my speech by bringing up my two comedy CDs which are available on my web site, w-w-w dot  jimgaffigan dot com but I thought that’s tacky. Even if I just mentioned the web site jimgaffigan.com that would be tacky.
    I’d like to close this speech with a musical tribute to the graduates, but frankly, I don’t know how to sing.
    So I'll leave you with this familiar quote by a famous and well-respected person whose name I was too lazy to look up. The Quote is, "I know not what the future holds, but I know who holds the future."
     You hold your future and you control your dreams.
    Thank you.